i fear my calling

All of my life, even before I became a Christian, I have had little to no concern for my personal well being, and instead have been one to hold others’ on such a pedestal so as to neglect my own comfort. I have no concern for my own vitality in situations where someone else’s could be threatened. It is simply in my nature to take on the burdens of others so that they can be free to occupy their time and strength doing something less burdensome. I also believe that I am called by God to set up Churches in regions where the Gospel has never been preached, and even to places where people are hostile towards people who believe in this good news. God created me for a purpose, and it can’t be a coincidence that I am so naturally willing to give up my life for the sake of someone else if I am to live the majority of my life in situations where my life is constantly under threat. But what happens when I am married, and am therefore held responsible for the safety and well being of another? Of course I would exert myself to make life as blissful as I am able, but how does my responsibility and union to another human being play into my calling to go out into places that will be hostile towards me, and by default, the one I love? How can I drag her into that world, when to do so would be potentially life threatening to her? These are the realities I was faced with after having heard of the life Adoniram Judson was blessed to have endured.
My initial introduction to Judson’s life left me inspired and excited to go into the mission field, but it wasn’t until after the realities of the trials of his life actually penetrated my psyche did I realize that to choose that particular path would mean to endanger my future wife, and eventually my children. I admire Judson for being upfront with his wife and his father-in-law about the severities of what life in Burma would be like, but even if my wife and her father were fully supportive of my decision to go to a place where both my we would most assuredly die a violent death, I’m not sure that I could ever bring myself to the point where I would be willing to do that. An even more daunting prospect is the possibility of my death, and the result being my wife, defenseless and vulnerable.
This reality has made me realize how much I need to grow in my spirituality as far as my trust in God. I know all the Sunday-school answers to this conundrum, but the reality is, that I would have to come to grips with being willing to give someone up to men who will violently rape her repeatedly, when I was given the responsibility to protect her at all costs. I would have to be at peace with the idea of watching my wife die at my feet, because I wasn’t strong enough to protect her. God is strong enough, and He is sovereign, but it’s my sinful nature that keeps me from taking those beliefs, and applying them practically in my life. What if it would please God to exalt his name by having my wife martyred? What if it would please Him to have her raped? To have my children killed because of my calling? Only by God’s grace will I be saved from this fear. God will be glorified, no matter the circumstances.